Protecting God's Children for Adults

How Can Abuse Go Undetected for So Long?

Experts tell us that one out of every 10 males and one out of every five females will be sexually abused by the time they are 18.111 Many of those incidents will occur before the child is 9 years old.

When faced with these numbers it is difficult to ignore the fact that these situations are going on right under our noses without us knowing about it. How could we not know? How could we not notice? How could this happen?

There are three major factors that contribute to the conspiracy of silence that surrounds this crime: 1) our belief that this only happens to other people's children; 2) the perpetrator's grooming process; and 3) the apprehension adults have about reporting abuse.

1. Sexual abuse could not be happening to my child

Although many parents say that they are aware of the risk of child sexual abuse, they do not really believe their children are at serious risk. An early 1980s survey of parents indicated that while they knew of this danger to the general population, they simply didn't believe their children would be abused.1-1 This kind of thing does not happen in their neighborhoods to their children The abuser"s mission to conceal his or her objectives is aided by parents' reluctance to consider the risk to their own children and the fact that the behavioral signs of child sexual abuse are also indicators of many other physical and emotional problems.

If parents, guardians, and other caretakers don't believe their children are really at risk, then none of the signs and symptoms that show up will raise concerns about sexual abuse. In fact, many of the signs are dismissed by parents as "going through a phase." "puberty," "problems with friends," "difficulties with a particular program at school," or "just the nature of growing up."

It is important that parents, guardians, and another caretakers talk with children when these signs and symptoms appear. Find out what is going on with them. Notice the behavioral changes in children and get to the bottom of what's happening. Whether the problem is drug abuse, depression, or a fight with a boyfriend or girlfriend, it is important to know what is really causing the changes in a child's behavior.

If child sexual abuse is the problem, early intervention that stops the abuse is important to the child's ability to recover and to the prevention of harm to other children. To undermine the atmosphere of secrecy created and perpetuated by the molester, parents, guardians, and other caretakers must acknowledge that their children are at risk, look for the warning signs in their child's behavior, and uncover the cause of the warning signs (behavioral symptoms).

2. Child molesters groom the child and the community

It is hard to imagine that a child could endure being sexually molested and remain silent about it, but the research tells us that many children do not report sexual abuse.0 People want to know why children don't tell. Why do they keep the abuse a secret? Why would they go back again and again to a house where they are being regularly victimized?

One of the primary reasons is that molesters are masters of manipulation and control. The persistence and patience of a potential molester is a crucial part of the grooming process—the concentrated efforts of a molester to ingratiate himself or herself into the life of a child- The grooming process creates and perpetuates the conspiracy of silence.

For example, the psychological grooming of a child is subtle, progressive, and effective. It usually begins with efforts by the molester to develop a friendship with the child. The molester will leave the child feeling as though the molester cares about the child, is concerned about the things that the child is concerned about, and has real affection for the child.

In addition, the molester will entice the child into participating in activities that solidify the conspiracy of silence. Giving a child drugs or alcohol, showing a child pornographic materials, or letting a child see a video or participate in a video game against the parents' wishes hooks the child into a circle of silence. When a child sees no way out of the maze. silence is assured.

By developing this special relationship with the child, the perpetrator lures the child into a trap. The child is trapped in silence. The child is convinced that he or she:

• Is responsible for or at fault for the abuse, or

• Enjoyed the sexual activity, or

• Will be in trouble with mom and dad if they find out what happened.

The child is left feeling conflicted, dependent, helpless, and confused. These feelings have the effect of tying the child more closely to the molester. In that environment, the child's experience is that there is no way out and keeping the secret is the only option. These feelings perpetuate the conspiracy of silence that keeps child sexual abuse hidden from the people in a child's life.

Fears about reporting

Most experts agree that child sexual abuse is seriously underreported. In an effort to find out why people don't report, a study was conducted to determine whether parents would report it if they knew a child was being abused. In overwhelming numbers, parents said "yes" they would report to authorities right away.

In another study, adult survivors were asked whether they told anyone about the abuse at the time it was happening. Approximately 42 percent of the male survivors and 33 percent of the female survivors didn't tell anyone about the abuse.

Regardless of the good intentions of adults in the community, the fact is that many suspicions about abuse do not get reported to child protection agencies. An estimated 30 percent of child sexual abuse known to professionals is never reported.

When non-reporters are asked about their failure to report, the answer is frequently "I wasn't sure the abuse was occurring" or something similar.13 People are afraid of reporting their suspicions. They fear that families will be torn apart and reputations mined because of a report for which they have no proof. They also fear retaliation from the accused or the family.

It takes courage to report suspected child sexual abuse and the courage of a concerned adult is what children are counting on. They are counting on trusted, caring adults to notice the people who are around them and to bok for warning signs among both adults and children. Speaking up is risky, but it may save a child from an unspeakable horror.

Conclusion
How can abuse go undetected for so long? Child sexual abuse goes on undetected because adults are unable or unwilling to see the warning signs and to take the actions necessary to protect children from sexual abuse. Children are afraid to report abuse, and adults are either unwilling to admit it could be happening to someone they know, or they are afraid to speak up regarding their suspicions.

We must remember that children are vulnerable to the predatory actions of would-be molesters and keep our eyes open for signs of abuse.

We must also remind our children that they can tell us anything—even if someone told them not to tell.

Finally, suspicious behavior must be reported to the people charged with the responsibility for investigating and for intervening in abusive situations. Courageous reports have saved many children — and failure to report supports the abuser in his or her efforts to maintain a conspiracy of silence.